Thursday, September 4, 2008

Here's My Life...With No More Looking Back

At the start of every season, feelings from the previous year during that time are awakened in me. Old thoughts and desires are awakened every year. With the coming of fall, I am pleasantly reminded of the new school books I would unwrap (yes, I actually did like new school books), the mall shopping trips for warmer clothes that were necessary every year until I stopped growing, the fall concert tours that would stop in our area and, of course, the starting of youthgroups.

It is different for every season. Some years I have happier memories than others. This post has to do with the coming of this summer (that is sadly drawing to an end). It is born out of my own deep personal struggles I have been having for the past two months.

At the end of spring, with the leaves turning green and the need to wear long pants disappearing, I was reminded of the summer days in my old home and the beach days we used to have, since we lived so close to the water. Old friends, old games, old churches, old habits: I was strongly reminded of them all. But with this remembrance came a great sadness that I couldn't seem to shake for a while.

Looking at my life sometimes now, comparing it to how it used to be, I grow dissatisfied. There was a certain security I used to have that is gone now. I was at the same church for fourteen years. Now we have been to five churches in the last couple years and are only beginning to settle into the one we've been attending for six months now. I used to be able to have the same friends over almost any day of the week and see them at church at least twice a week and now, almost all my friends live over half an hour away. These are rather petty things though. We moved to a new town. I should get over that.

But it's not only our house and neighborhood that have changed. I have changed as well. I used to be able to spend hours reading to myself and now I feel an obligation to spend more time with my siblings. I used to be able to spend money on myself in ways that I can no longer justify. I used to be able to stand silent, comfortable in social situations when evil was going on right before my eyes, but now the Holy Spirit in my hardly allows me to be silent. I used to be able to talk about how I would act if I was in tough situations; now I am forced to act that way because I am in those situations.

Why do I lament these good and wonderful things? Because it hurts. It was much easier to go with the flow, than to fight through the mob. It was more comfortable to be able to trust in myself and my surroundings rather than to have to depend on God like I know do. It hurts me now just to read over what I just read. But it's the truth. I think this all needs to be said. This is now my public confession.

I'm making a new dedication now. Jesus said, "No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God." Well, I'm not looking back anymore. The things that have happened have helped shape me into who I'm supposed to be, but they're gone.

I'm doing like Cort├ęs and "burning my ships," so I have no way back to the way I used to be. "Who I am hates who I've been" so I'm just not going back there.

Switchfoot's song This Is Home says it well:

I've got my memories
Always inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe you now
I've come too far
No I can't go back
Back to how it was
Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back
Back to how it was
And I got my heart set on what happens next
I got my eyes wide
It's not over yet
I'm really going to live for God now with no regrets.
Jeremy Camp wrote these words in his song Let It Fade.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade
Let this new life offered be your saving grace
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade
I'm going to live out the words to that and trust in God and follow him wherever he leads me.
God I'm crying out tonight
Because I've given you my life
But I I'm tired now and missing what's behind
So once more:
Here's my life!1
1. BarlowGirl-Here's My Life


Heidi said...

I am so excited about who you have become that I have a hard time waiting for your future to unfold! You are a joy to me! God bless you, sweetie!

Micahlangelo said...

when the cry of our hearts is too loud to just go away . . . it is because our cup is overflowing . . . God has done a marvelous work in you Katrina, that has impacted many, including me; and the exciting thing, is that He's not nearly done yet. If you suffer, rejoice! because it is because God deems you worthy enough to suffer like His son did . . . The best is yet to come!

evanjmcgann said...

God's grace is so amazing. I myself find it somewhat easy to show his forgiveness to others, and rather hard to completely understand that God has forgiven me and my past mistakes completely.

Rebecca said...

I have been dealing with the same things as you have and its hard to give your whole life over to God. It has been a journey and still has for myself and my family. I struggled to maintain my relationship with God, keep myself pure and dress modestly until I realized that its not about me and its about God. I gave my wardrobe of trashy clothin up, I gave up my want for a boyfriend and I am so glad I did and that my I am serving my heavenly Father and my earthly father is protecting and guiding me also. Its been amazing what God can do with your life and I really am so glad that I found Him and am talking to Him daily and reading His Word besides on sundays. well this was long, but I know what you mean.

In Christ,

Tom said...

Although the past will never totally disappear in memory or emotion, it is good to put it behind you. Learn the lessons that it has taught you and move on to what the Lord has for you in the future. There is so much ahead...

Maisie said...

Keep up the good work.