It is different for every season. Some years I have happier memories than others. This post has to do with the coming of this summer (that is sadly drawing to an end). It is born out of my own deep personal struggles I have been having for the past two months.
At the end of spring, with the leaves turning green and the need to wear long pants disappearing, I was reminded of the summer days in my old home and the beach days we used to have, since we lived so close to the water. Old friends, old games, old churches, old habits: I was strongly reminded of them all. But with this remembrance came a great sadness that I couldn't seem to shake for a while.
Looking at my life sometimes now, comparing it to how it used to be, I grow dissatisfied. There was a certain security I used to have that is gone now. I was at the same church for fourteen years. Now we have been to five churches in the last couple years and are only beginning to settle into the one we've been attending for six months now. I used to be able to have the same friends over almost any day of the week and see them at church at least twice a week and now, almost all my friends live over half an hour away. These are rather petty things though. We moved to a new town. I should get over that.
But it's not only our house and neighborhood that have changed. I have changed as well. I used to be able to spend hours reading to myself and now I feel an obligation to spend more time with my siblings. I used to be able to spend money on myself in ways that I can no longer justify. I used to be able to stand silent, comfortable in social situations when evil was going on right before my eyes, but now the Holy Spirit in my hardly allows me to be silent. I used to be able to talk about how I would act if I was in tough situations; now I am forced to act that way because I am in those situations.
Why do I lament these good and wonderful things? Because it hurts. It was much easier to go with the flow, than to fight through the mob. It was more comfortable to be able to trust in myself and my surroundings rather than to have to depend on God like I know do. It hurts me now just to read over what I just read. But it's the truth. I think this all needs to be said. This is now my public confession.
I'm making a new dedication now. Jesus said, "No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God." Well, I'm not looking back anymore. The things that have happened have helped shape me into who I'm supposed to be, but they're gone.
I'm doing like Cortés and "burning my ships," so I have no way back to the way I used to be. "Who I am hates who I've been" so I'm just not going back there.
Switchfoot's song This Is Home says it well:
I've got my memoriesAlways inside of meBut I can't go backBack to how it wasI believe you nowI've come too farNo I can't go backBack to how it wasBelief over miseryI've seen the enemyAnd I won't go backBack to how it wasAnd I got my heart set on what happens nextI got my eyes wideIt's not over yet
I'm really going to live for God now with no regrets.
Jeremy Camp wrote these words in his song
Let It Fade.
Let this old life crumble, let it fadeLet this new life offered be your saving graceLet this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade
I'm going to live out the words to that and trust in God and follow him wherever he leads me.
God I'm crying out tonightBecause I've given you my lifeBut I I'm tired now and missing what's behindSo once more:Here's my life!1
1. BarlowGirl-Here's My Life