Monday, December 3, 2007

I'm back!

This blog is not dead! After an embarrassingly long absence, I believe, although I cannot promise, that I am back for more frequent blogging again. Wow, it's almost been six months. Half a year--so much can happen in that time. This post has no special topic. I just am attempting to catch you up with what's happened to me. I won't explain away my absence; I was lazy, I'm ashamed to say. Actually, lazy is a bad word. I could have written posts, but for a while there, I was so busy and stressed out that I was running away from any deep thinking processes. In the past month, I started thinking again.

Concerning my family posts, I'm hoping to continue them soon. So much has changed in me since I wrote the first one. We had a friend from Austria, who is about my age, visit this summer for a whole month. We spent a lot of time together, more than I usually spend with my siblings, and it really showed me the enjoyment and bonding I miss out on with them. I began putting more effort into those relationships and am much closer to my siblings now, which I love. God works in such mysterious ways. I will confess that at the time of my first posts on family, I was writing them as much for my own benefit as for others. I am always trying to talk myself into believing that is worthwhile to stay home with my family and spend time with them. In doing so, I'm finally believing and feeling it. It's such a beautiful feeling.

Another thing that has caused great joy, pain, upheaval, peace, turmoil, fear and trust in my life is, believe it or not, driving. I have had the most interesting experiences since I first got behind the wheel. Most of the time, I find driving to be relaxing and a perfect time to pray and observe the world. That is, I felt that way until I had my accident. About a month after I got my license, I spaced out and collided with the back of a perfect Nissan. Following this encounter was an agonizing two months of being terrified of and frustrated with driving. I had planned out in my mind that I wasn't going to be just another average teenager that crashes their first year. I finally resigned myself to being a mediocre driver. Then I scraped my dad's truck and I went back into my discouraged depression. My mom told me to stop driving by myself, which I was more than happy to comply with. Then one day, my mom told me that even if I couldn't drive well, I can do all things through Christ. Later that afternoon, I needed to drive somewhere alone and I called my mom for permission. I just prayed the entire time I drove that God would show me how to see what I need to see(the problem with my driving is that I've never been observant) and work through me as I drove. I had driven that same route many times before, but that day it felt like I was seeing the world with new eyes. I had never been able to see so much. Everywhere I looked, I saw something new. It was truly a miracle; I felt like my eyes were truly opened for the first time and it has felt like that every time I've driven since. It's only been a week, but I know that God is with me and helping me every time I drive.

In all my driving adventures, I've had much time to myself. All my life, though, I have run as far from aloneness as I could. I never studied alone in my room because it was too quiet, so I'd go downstairs where Adventures in Odyssey and music was playing, people were on the phone and talking, just so it wouldn't be silent and alone. One Saturday, I stayed home to do some baking by myself last Christmas and, in the couple hours my family was gone, I called four people because I couldn't stand feeling alone. So, driving for hours every week to work, by myself, with no music, has caused so much distress for me. I told my mom of my fear and she told me that Someone is always with me. I replied that I'd been talking with God the whole time but that I still felt alone. Of course, there are still places I want to go alone, and my mom told me that'd I'd have to take a self defense course to be able to do that. Friday night was my first class, which totally freaked me out. When my mom and I talked about me feeling alone, I had resigned myself to just not going places by myself if I could absolutely help it. But then yesterday, I woke up, drove to work and class and all around and I didn't feel alone! God had worked another miracle. He is so good.

Every time I feel I've reached the end, every time I resign myself to living a monotonous life, just making do day to day, not thriving, but merely existing, God says, "Katrina, this is not the life I have for you. I have died that you may live, and live life abundantly, to the full. You just need to be patient and wait on Me, even when it feels like the end, for it is truly the beginning. I have great plans for you and I am always here to raise you up when you are too tired to go on, on your own."

To God be the glory.

1 comment:

calebgage said...

wow it has been awhile :)